I have never felt more anxious! I leave this afternoon for Berlin and have been feeling so out of sorts recently. Imagining my summer abroad, packing and saying goodbye to friends and family have invoked such strange feelings! I sit terrified in my mom’s car contemplating the big decisions of my life, the friends and family I care so deeply for, and whether I’m a person to be proud of. Despite my mom dancing along to Justin Timberlake beside me, I can’t help but to take myself seriously.
Leaving my comfort zone is a sure way for me to experience such anxiety and introspection. Traveling abroad especially has invoked feelings of crisis in me; fearing that once in a foreign place, I’ll have to truly face the not-so-good aspects of myself. There is something inherent to leaving one’s language, culture and network of loved ones that disturbs my inner peace and clarity. Despite trying to remind myself that this is natural, I’ve already broken down sobbing a few times this morning, losing all sense of rationality and perspective.
I’m now at the JFK airport and I have to suppress tears of nervousness. The people traveling abroad seem so unfamiliar and reserved. How will I interact with the people of Berlin? Will I be proud of the person I become? I try to focus on gratitude and compassion as I prepare to watch this new adventure unfold. Despite the stinging apprehension, I feel confident that this summer of self-improvement, joy and wonder must be held in Berlin. I feel excited to start living anew and to shed personality traits that prevent me from living my most carefree life. Whatever happens, I will be so much the better for it. Danke schöne, Berlin!