NPEP graduate Taurean Decatur and NPEP students Erika Ray and Oliver Crawford discuss how they’ve built strong and meaningful relationships with their children while incarcerated.
For those separated by incarceration, parenting requires navigating the challenges of maintaining and nurturing relationships with family from afar.
NPEP graduate Taurean Decatur and NPEP students Erika Ray and Oliver Crawford are three dedicated parents who have built strong and meaningful relationships with their children in spite of all of the barriers imposed by incarceration.
Taurean
Taurean’s children are teenagers, yet he has never taken them out for ice cream or been able to hold their hands for more than five minutes. Despite the physical distance, he’s demonstrated an unwavering commitment to developing strong relationships and connecting deeply with them through daily phone calls.
“Parenting from prison is both a gift and a curse. It hasn’t stopped our emotional or spiritual connection and has created the weirdest, most beautiful relationship. We have an incredibly intimate relationship because they get undivided attention from me over the phone; it’s dedicated time to connect with them.”
Taurean hopes to start a non-profit and says his studies gave him credibility with his children.
“My kids see me taking advantage of an education, and I have taught them that their mistakes don’t define who they are or who they’ll grow to be in the future.”
Through steadfast parenting, Taurean has also shown his children the importance of resilience, honesty, transparency, and accountability.
“Kids are trying to figure themselves out. We can show them who we are through lessons and actions so they can learn about themselves.”
Erika
The last thing Erika said to her seven-year-old daughter before her incarceration was, “I’ll be right back.”
Her role as a mother has evolved during the past 17 years, from being an active nurturer and protector to becoming an advisor to her daughter. Despite the physical separation, Erika has continued to guide her daughter through life’s obstacles, including navigating adolescence, relationships, and the complexities of race and gender in society.
This has not been easy. Erika acknowledges how difficult it can be to offer advice without being controlling, a challenge all parents share, but emphasizes that her approach is rooted in love and care.
“If she has learned anything from me, it seems that holding onto hope and building trust is a long and beautiful journey. No matter how long we have been apart, we are teaching each other to love deeply and build trust and hope through openness to being guided.”
Although they have been apart for many years, Erika’s daughter holds on to the hope of her returning home.
Oliver
Oliver’s children were 7 and 9 when he was incarcerated. Despite the strain of physical distance, Oliver stresses the importance of being truthful, communicating, and staying connected with his children.
“The phone is a safe space for my daughter. When I speak to her, she becomes a little girl again, and we still have the daddy daughter bond. I’ve learned she just wants me to be there and listen.”
Oliver admits that staying current and understanding his children’s world isn’t always easy. “My three biggest challenges are evolving with my children, asking more questions about their social lives, and trying to learn about young adults through TV shows and music so that I can relate to them.”
He has also found ways to use NPEP to connect with his daughter. “I call my daughter and ask for her ideas about papers to involve her in my education.”
Oliver’s children are now adults. He reflects on the power of strong relationships with family while incarcerated. “My children keep me filled with hope. I press through knowing I need to get out for them. My daughter encouraged me in so many ways to be my best self.”
Lessons in Communication and Honesty
One of the hardest, most gut-wrenching questions parents who are incarcerated hear from their children is, “When are you coming home?” Erika, Oliver, and Taurean stress the importance of honest and open communication with their children. They believe that being truthful – even when it’s difficult – is crucial to building trust and respect.
Although they stay optimistic about their circumstances, Erika and her daughter have never idealized incarceration. Erika has always been transparent about how the prison system is designed to exploit and control parents, stripping them of their autonomy and undermining their role in their children’s lives.
Another challenge is helping their children navigate a different world than the one they grew up in.
“I have to befriend my kids, take off my authoritarian hat, and talk to my children about challenges that I wasn’t exposed to when I was incarcerated, such as social media,” Oliver shares.
Erika, Oliver, and Taurean have found that asking questions and being good listeners are key strategies in their parenting approaches.
Conclusion
While parenting from prison presents unique challenges, the stories from Erika, Oliver, and Taurean demonstrate that developing and maintaining strong and nurturing relationships with their children is possible – even under difficult circumstances.
Through resilience, honest communication, and a commitment to understanding their children’s lives, they have found ways to be loving, present, and supportive parents.