To be honest, it was difficult. I was teary a lot. I’d cry to my hubby, telling him how useless I felt, how I felt like I was failing my children. He listened and at first didn’t say anything much.
Until one night, he said,” You know Eveel, it’s ok if you can’t breastfeed them. I’m just worried about you and the possibility of you slipping into PND (postnatal depression).”
That night, I thought about what he said and the reality of me slipping into PND. Afterall, I did suffer from antenatal depression, and therefore at higher risk of PND. I already have a follow up counselling session scheduled in a few weeks so the psychiatrist can check up on me.
So it suddenly occured to me that:
1. I was formula fed and I turned out ok. If I can’t totally breastfeed my twins, I can be a great mother in other ways, and cook them super good food chockfull of antioxidents etc when their bigger, bring them to the park to get lots of exercise, pump them full of vitamins, etc.
2. Having a depressed non-functioning mother is much much worse than being bottle fed formula. I want my twins to enjoy me, the happy functioning full of joy Eveeleva that everyone knows and not the one who spends mornings crying in the shower depressed preggo Eveeleva.
So with a huge sigh, I told myself. SCREW it. I’ll do my best and that’s all anyone, including MYSELF, should expect of me.
Lo and behold, the next day, the milk came in. I guess I just had to stop stressing myself out about it.
I still don’t have quite enough to feed both twins, but I take turns to feed them breastmilk. Some breastmilk is better than none at all right?
OI, i’m doing the best that i can lah… =)