The truth is, I’ve been suffering from ante-natal blues. I’m not depressed, but i’ve felt down enough to shed a couple of tears.
It started during my first trimester. Then it was about the horrible morning sickness, which left me feeling not quite myself. I was also bummed that I was not at work, and not my usual productive self, and would have episodes where i would breakdown crying in the shower. I remember just feeling so shitty and not myself, and feeling like this was all too much for me.
One episode saw me bawling my eyes out at my OBGYN’s office, simply reacting to his question, “How are you, Eveel?” It didn’t surprise me that I was referred to see a counsellor (read: psychiatrist) at KKH. Of course my OBGYN made it very clear that it was all the hormones and it would be helpful to have someone to talk to.
My first session went terribly. I cried for the whole 1hr session. I remember crying that I was afraid that I would lose the pregnancy fearing that the first miscarriage episode would repeat itself, I remember crying that I didn’t feel happy, that I didn’t feel I knew who I was, etc. The counsellor was very nice, telling me that what I was going through was just an ‘adjustment’ problem with the pregnancy, possibly brought upon by the extra load of hormones that a twin pregnancy brought along.
After the 1st trimester blues were over, I felt better. So i didn’t have many sessions with the counsellor during my 2nd trimester, the counsellor did decide to see me during my 3rd trimester, just to check that my mood hadn’t gotten worse then, especially when I was expected to get big, uncomfortable and probably cranky from lack of sleep.
True to what was expected, I was back to my crying state again, scaring my husband shitless. The worst episode, was one morning on the way to work. I just couldn’t bring myself to go into the office. I stopped for brekkie at McDonald’s at Rider’s Park (at Queenstown). And when i got back into the car and started it, I just started bawling. Cried and cried and cried. It felt like the whole world was collapsing around me. Called my husband, who told me to go straight back home!
Then the crying and the weeping started again. It was largely the hormones, AGAIN!
And the culprit was these hormone pills , at quite large doses too, that my doctor made me take to keep the twins safe and happy. It was also administered during my first trimester too, and we suspected that it was the cause of all my unhappiness.
The counsellor wrote to my doctor, asking him if it was ok to reduce the dosage of that particular pill, or remove it completely. He did, and instead upped the dosage of another medication that I was suffering no adverse effects from and almost instantaneously…*tadah* i was back to my regular self.
I’ve been shy to talk about this really. It’s like a failing of some sort. You know, you’re suppose to be happy and pregnant, enjoy being pregnant, be rosy and glowy. But i was the total opposite of it.
I am starting to open up about it, and i think people should know that pregnancy is hard. Even without extra hormone pills, your hormones ARE everywhere, and preggie people do get weepy and emotional just because. And it is such a physically challenging phase too. And it’s ok. I mean great if you have a rosy and happy pregnancy, but it’s ok if you suffer the blues too!